Friday, June 08, 2007

I Thought 35 Was the New 21

Warning: Despite my best attempts, I don't think there is going to be much of a point to this series of posts. Continue on only if you want to be entertained.


My first OB appointment when I was pregnant with Junior was one day after I turned 35. As the doctor looked over my chart he paused at my birth date and then we had this conversation:

OB: I see you are advanced maternal age.

Me: Uhhh, say what?

OB: Since you are AMA we recommend you do the triple screen and all other testing available because YOU ARE SO OLD. We'll also be monitoring you closely your last trimester and performing non-stress tests, ultrasounds and the dip stick test every week BECAUSE YOU ARE ANCIENT. Before you leave today make sure you pick up a complementary walker, bottle of Geritol and a prescription for dentures BECAUSE YOU'RE OLDER THAN DIRT.

Me: Uhhh, say what?

OB: And as your baby doctor it's my legal duty to let you know of the many, many things that can go wrong with an AMA pregnancy. Your baby can be born with 3 heads, one of which may resemble one of the cone heads from Saturday Night Live. I believe you're old enough to remember those episodes. 89% of children born to AMA moms will enjoy watching Sweating to the Oldies with Richard Simmons. 76% of our AMA moms permanently lose ALL their brain cells after having a baby while an additional 39% never walk again. Unless, they keep the office issued walker. Then, there's a 9% chance they can live a happy and productive life.

Me: Uhhhh, I don't know if you noticed but I only turned 35 yesterday.

That was my introduction to the term advanced maternal age. Little did I know blowing out those candles the day before were about to subject me to nine months of additional poking, prodding and peeing.

Every visit, I watched as each doctor in the practice would pause as they looked over my chart and said, "Ohhh, you're AMA. Yeah, we'll need you to pee on another stick. And, please, don't forget to enter our drawing for a month's supply of Depends on the way out."

If they hadn't been so serious, it would've been funny. Well, actually if WAS funny.

What wasn't funny was that I didn't consider myself old. After all, I'm part of the generation that is waiting to have kids later in life. Lots of people wait. Probably a few less wait after Oprah did that show on rotting eggs, but still, we wait. So then why do we get penalized for waiting by receiving the modern scarlet letter that is emblazoned on our bosom--- or at least the front of our charts?

Next: What's up with the tattooed grandmother at the park?

3 comments:

Classic MaMa said...

:) hilarious! I love this post!

Melissa said...

Don't worry...40 is the new 25 so just think what you have to look forward to!

TCC said...

Don't you wonder if all the actresses that are getting pregnant at 40 are treated this way?

I keep telling myself 40 isn't that old because it keeps getting closer and closer...(still have 3+ years but that's still close)!